In the swing

This sober thing is really working out well for me this time.

Last week's event went very well, with me serving the glasses of bubbly instead of drinking them. Even with the stuff directly under my nose, I felt no craving.

I did notice, however, that hardly anyone came back for seconds. Most people held on to their (slightly overfilled) flute for the duration of the event, which included speeches, live music and some nibbles.

Having just one glass is not something that I ever enjoyed. I did try it a few times and gritted my teeth through a whole evening. To help stick to the challenge I had designated myself as the driver and it only worked out because I had to stay under the limit.

Last week's crowd was not too hard on me for another reason: that particular group of people has hardly ever seen me in social occasions so nobody really took notice of whether I drank or not. They were not used to seeing me with a glass of wine, so nobody knew whether it was unusual for me to pass up on free bubbly.  Nobody urged me to "Come on, have one" and nobody raised an eyebrow.

Nobody cared what I drank. Or didn't drink.

This afternoon we had our monthly work do. Last Friday of the month, beer o' clock, we have drinks and nibbles. Now THAT crowd is used to seeing me re-fill my wine glass. I was a bit anxious about getting through this, but - again - it was not hard at all. My work day has been very busy and I did not have much time to think about 4 pm coming up and what I would do or say.

Then all of a sudden people were wolfing down pizza and cluttering around with bottles and glasses. I had a few conversations, then went to the fridge to find something alcohol free that does not involve sugar or artificial sweeteners, and - lo and behold - there were a few small bottles of sparkling water.  Yay!! I sailed right past the array of open wine bottles and felt no pull. Again, nobody noticed or cared what I was drinking.

So, there you go. Two sober "first" events in one week and it all went down without a glitch.

I don't miss anything.

Quite contrary, I'm really enjoying my days these days. I fall asleep easily, well before midnight, and sleep without interruption. Start my day well rested and full of energy. Looking forward to evenings and weekends and doing things I like to do instead of dulling my senses with wine and getting nothing done.

My counter at www.livingsober.org.nz says I'm on day 19 and I have saved $285.

This rocks!!

Next post on day 22, another fools' number.

Fools

Day 11

Double digit. In German 11 is called the fool's number. I don't feel much like counting days. In fact, I had to go to www.livingsober.org, (where you can put in the day of your last drink and it calculates your sober days for you) to look up how many days I've been sober.

It also calculates how much money you have saved if you tell it your typical weekly spend.

Looking at that number grow and grow I do indeed feel like a fool.

All that money that I have spent on alcohol, just so that I could cease to function efficiently, do foolish things and make a fool of myself in front of others.

With all the bad things going for drinking, why would anyone who managed to get sober, be foolish enough to want to go back to drinking again?

I must confess, these last 11 days have been frightfully easy. No cravings. Nothing. Nada.

I feel normal. I don't constantly think about drinking, like I used to. You know, the guilt, the self-flagellation, the endless discussions with self, the planning, scheming, organising of alcohol acquisition, the drinking on the sly, planning the day to cram as much drinking into it as possible, the sleepless hours at night, the hangovers, the disposing of empties. I really don't miss that.

But unless my previous attempts at quitting, I also don't constantly think about NOT drinking. There are a few thoughts now and then, but nothing that really cuts deep or raises concerns.

I have not done any sober socialising yet, though. Tomorrow will be the first of that. To put me on the spot, I have volunteered to be one of the people who greet the arriving guest at the door with a tray of bubblies. I figured I will need both hands to hold the tray, so my hands will be occupied and I won't need a glass to hold on to. It will also occupy my mind, greeting people, chatting.

Let's see how that goes.

About memories

Day 6.

I meant to post on Day 3 but never got around to it. Now it's Day 6 already and I don't know where the time went. In a positive way. Because I can remember everything I did over the last few days.

Unlike when I was still drinking, when I regularly could not remember important conversations I'd had.

Example:
I asked my 17 year old what time he had come home the night before. He looked at me and said, "Mom, you saw me in the kitchen after I came home last night." I couldn't remember. At all. Couldn't remember being in the kitchen, but the evidence was the greasy plate sitting on my bedside table. Couldn't remember how that got there, either. Couldn't remember what I'd been eating. Couldn't remember who I talked with or what we talked about.  That happened more than once. I also used to wake up in the middle of the night, trying to work out if he had come home or not, if he had let me know he would be staying at  a friend or not, where he was supposed to be right now and whether I was still fit to be a mother.

That's just one of the memory loss scenarios.  I have some very vague recollections of having a Facebook calling spree where I called four different people in overseas countries in a row, one of whom I only know through website discussions and had never spoken to, two of whom I had not seen in years. I don't know how drunk I sounded. I don't know what we discussed. I don't know whether what I was saying made  any sense or whether sounded anywhere near coherent. Probably not.

I feel relieved at the fact that I don't have to go through such embarrassment ever again. The solution is so simple.

I have sobered up and I look forward to a sober life that is free of all the unnatural, alcohol-induced problems and embarrassments.

Day 6. I have not "given up" anything. I don't feel deprived.  Quite the opposite.

I am getting my life back.

Day 1 - the last one, ever

Today is day 1. Again, I know, but today is a different Day 1.

It will be the last Day 1 I will ever experience.

I feel strangely liberated that I don't "have to" drink anymore.  Instead, I can be sober, relaxed and happy. I don't need to cloud my thinking, fog up my brain, ruin my health and finances and spiral ever downwards.

Today was not difficult in the least.

For the last time, I've stopped by the corner store and stuffed my empty wine bottles into the public rubbish bin. I don't have to look around anymore to see if anyone I know is watching.

I did not think much about alcohol during the day.

When the witching hour rolled along, I did not have any cravings. It feels good not to have to drink anymore. A weight has lifted.

During dinner, I had an argument with my husband.

Another reason to stop drinking is that I need to sort my relationship. I don't yet know where this is going, but I know I can't have discussions and arguments with him when I'm drunk. Because then everything will be my fault. Because I'm a drunk and he can be righteous.

I don't have to be a drunk anymore. As of today, I am sober. And I have no fear of staying sober for the rest of my life. It's not daunting at all. It's a relief. I don't have to drink for the rest of my life.

I no longer have to handle problems that are caused by alcohol.

I can have my life back. I'm looking forward to Day 2.

Tired of hiding bottles

I'm tired of hiding bottles.

I'm tired of hiding full bottles.

I'm tired of hiding empty bottles.

I don't want to sneak up to public rubbish bins to stuff them with my empties anymore.

I'm so tired of thinking about my alcohol supply. Or whether the supermarket cashier remembers me from yesterday, when I also checked out two bottles of wine. Or the day before. Or the day before. I'm grateful for supermarket continuous shift rosters, because it means that every day there's a different lady in charge of supervising and approving the self-checkout alcohol purchases, which means they don't clock on to my repeated buying habits.

Or do they?

Or do they even care?

I've signed up for a 6 week programme with Sober Sassy Life. It starts next Monday. So I'll try to drink as much as I can fit in before Monday. Was that meant as a joke? I don't even know.

I've had an online chat with Sober Sassy Life's Jackie today. It was great. She gets me. My husband doesn't. But that's another story. Unfortunately, our chat was cut short when my laptop decided to go to sleep during our Google Hangout chat and then froze and died. Still, I'm looking forward to the 6-week programme.

I've had many "day 1" days in the last couple of years. I want the next "day 1" to be my last.

As of now, I'm somewhere around day -4 or -3 or so.