Walking away

Right, then. Day 22. Still ticking along nicely and alcohol free.

I feel a little bit guilty that I seem to be sailing the smooth waves, while I read so much about how freaking hard it is to stop drinking.

I read some comments on a YouTube video the other day. Claudia Christian does a TEDx talk about how she got her drinking under control with Naltrexone. Apparently it's a pill that you take, wait at least an hour, and then you can have a drink. The drug suppresses the high that alcohol normally creates, so there is no kick and no drive to drink more. For some people it seems to work quite well and they can drink "normally" again, i.e. stop after a glass and a half and drink only twice a month. But you need to take the pills, of course, if you know you're going to have a drink.

Fascinating talk.

What was very disturbing were the comments. There are the usual trolls, of course, but a few die-hard AA members just couldn't let it go. If she was still drinking, how could she call herself "sober" (she never claimed she was sober). If it was so easy for her to stop, then she, and anyone else who was able to stop drinking without big suffering and the help of AA, had not really been an alcoholic (she never said she was an alcoholic, but that she had developed Alcohol Use Disorder).

I don't know why these AA people are so hateful towards somebody who manages to get out of the stranglehold of an alcohol dependency and get back to a healthy lifestyle without considering themselves as alcoholics in recovery for the rest of their lives. What's their problem? Is suffering a mandatory step for becoming sober? The 13th step? I don't think so.

Am I suffering, now that I've "given up" alcohol? Hell, no. Quite the opposite.

But I did suffer while I was still drinking. I felt ashamed and guilty, deeply unhappy and depressed. It was becoming unbearable. I wanted out.

Still, I hid booze and I drank in the mornings. For years I drank 2 bottles of wine a day. More on weekends. I switched to vodka, since that meant less hassle sourcing, hiding and disposing of bottles.  Does that make me an alcoholic?

I was never kicked out of my house. I was never scraped off the street, soaked in my own filth, unable to remember my name and smelling like a distillery. If I did not sink THAT low, does that mean I am NOT an alcoholic?

My "rock bottom" was as low and as painful - for me - as I needed it - for me - to be, in order to realize that my relationship with alcohol could not continue. In my previous attempts at cutting back or "giving up" I felt that I was deprived of something that I still wanted. Badly. And since I still wanted it, I always went back to drinking, after a few days, a few weeks, or a few months of abstinence.

On my last "Day 1", something was different. I knew that I could not return to drinking and all the misery and problems it involves.

Now I don't consider myself "abstinent". I don't abstain. I have not "given up" anything. I have turned my back on a treacherous, lying beast/witch/wolfie and walked away from the slippery slope of deceit, depression and misery. I'm inviting love, honesty and happiness into my life instead.

Gawd, I sound like a hippie. ("When the moon is in the seventh house ....")

I still own my house and I have not lost my driver's license. I have not had it as hard as some others whose blogs I read. I'm truly grateful for that.

Am I or was I an alcoholic? I don't know. It does not matter. It's not exactly a badge of honour.

What matters is that I am sober and happy with how things are. Let's just keep it that way.

Day 1 - the last one, ever

Today is day 1. Again, I know, but today is a different Day 1.

It will be the last Day 1 I will ever experience.

I feel strangely liberated that I don't "have to" drink anymore.  Instead, I can be sober, relaxed and happy. I don't need to cloud my thinking, fog up my brain, ruin my health and finances and spiral ever downwards.

Today was not difficult in the least.

For the last time, I've stopped by the corner store and stuffed my empty wine bottles into the public rubbish bin. I don't have to look around anymore to see if anyone I know is watching.

I did not think much about alcohol during the day.

When the witching hour rolled along, I did not have any cravings. It feels good not to have to drink anymore. A weight has lifted.

During dinner, I had an argument with my husband.

Another reason to stop drinking is that I need to sort my relationship. I don't yet know where this is going, but I know I can't have discussions and arguments with him when I'm drunk. Because then everything will be my fault. Because I'm a drunk and he can be righteous.

I don't have to be a drunk anymore. As of today, I am sober. And I have no fear of staying sober for the rest of my life. It's not daunting at all. It's a relief. I don't have to drink for the rest of my life.

I no longer have to handle problems that are caused by alcohol.

I can have my life back. I'm looking forward to Day 2.